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"It's not that bad." -

For someone with anxiety, everything feels big. Additionally, what you consider small might be significant to someone else. While you may be trying to be positive, you could be minimizing something important to them.

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What to say instead -

Acknowledge their experience is valid. Reminding them of past challenges they've overcome can also validate their pain and help them gradually work towards a better place.

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"Just think positive." -

People with anxiety often try to think positively, but anxiety can override those efforts. Anxiety symptoms can create a feeling of danger and hopelessness that cannot be easily reversed by forcing positive thoughts.

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What to say instead -

Excessive focus on thinking can contribute to anxiety. Try to help them connect with their surroundings and the present moment. Activities like journaling, mindfulness, and breathing exercises can help shift their perspective.

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"You should just... (insert advice)." -

During an anxiety or panic attack, a person is not in a problem-solving mindset. Their body is in fight-or-flight mode, making it difficult to see the big picture. If they have chronic anxiety, they've likely tried most recommended advice.

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What to say instead -

Instead of trying to solve their problem immediately, you can say, "I understand this issue feels overwhelming right now. Let's focus on one small part of it now and address the rest later."

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"Just relax." -

Anxiety and panic disorders can make it difficult to relax, especially on command. Telling someone to simply relax can feel like a reminder of their "failure" to do something, which can increase their anxiety.

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What to say instead -

Offering specific, practical support shows that you're genuinely invested in helping them. Doing something together, like meditation, walking, or working out, can be effective in alleviating symptoms as these activities often have a better chance of achieving the relaxation you initially intended to suggest.

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"It's all in your head." -

Saying this can sound really dismissive and it implies they're choosing to feel this way, which isn't accurate. Additionally, anxiety is not solely mental. It can cause intense physical symptoms like sweating, tingling, nausea, and shortness of breath.

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What to say instead -

Acknowledge the reality of anxiety and help them feel safe. Sometimes a simple "I'm here, we got this" is enough. Understanding individual preferences is important. Some people find comfort in a hug, while others might prefer physical distance. Offering a cup of tea or a blanket can also be helpful.

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"You're overreacting." -

This approach implies that their anxiety is unjustified and can create distance between you and the person, instead of fostering support and understanding. It's important to remember that behaviors exhibited by individuals with anxiety, such as panic, pacing, and fidgeting, are not conscious choices. They are coping mechanisms.

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What to say instead -

There's no harm in showing vulnerability and admitting that you might not fully understand why they're feeling this way. You can validate their experience by saying something like "It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed right now." 

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"You're too sensitive." -

Sensitivity is not inherently negative, and anxiety is often caused by factors beyond a person's control. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, genetic factors, childhood trauma, and health conditions like heart arrhythmias or thyroid problems can increase the risk of developing an anxiety disorder.

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What to say instead -

Avoid labeling people. Try offering empathy and acknowledging that anxiety can be challenging instead. Reassure them that they're not alone in this experience, as anxiety is a common condition.

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"I know how you feel." -

While you may be trying to offer perspective, it can feel dismissive. Sharing the inner workings of their mental processes takes vulnerability. If they feel they're not truly being heard, they may eventually stop coming to you and sharing what's distressing them.

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What to say instead -

Focus on understanding their unique experience by asking them to expand on what they're going through, if they feel ready to do so. Listen actively and ask open-ended questions about what's troubling them.

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"You're not the only one with problems." -

Comparing struggles is not helpful. Anxious people are often aware of others facing greater challenges, which can increase their guilt and frustration. Invalidating their experience doesn't make it go away.

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What to say instead -

Avoid comparing experiences and show interest in their unique perspective. Ask about how their anxiety manifests and reassure them that it's okay to feel this way.

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"Just snap out of it." -

Similar to "relax," if it were that simple, they would have done it. Using the word "just" further implies they're flawed for not being able to do something supposedly easy.

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What to say instead -

Be patient and understanding. Acknowledge that anxiety can be persistent, but reassure them that you're available to work on it together, respecting their boundaries and pace.

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"You're not trying hard enough." -

People struggling with anxiety often put a lot of pressure on themselves and adding to that pressure won't help. They might already be exhausted by trying to perform when their bodies simply aren't responding.

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What to say instead -

Offer encouragement and praise for their efforts to manage their anxiety. Acknowledge that recognizing what triggers it is already a big step.

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"You're just lazy." -

Anxiety can be paralyzing and serve as a defense mechanism, even when their fears seem disproportionate to you.

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What to say instead -

Instead of judging, be curious about what might be causing the withdrawal, without pressuring them. Offering to "buddy" with them as they perform one step of the task that's causing anxiety can be very reassuring.

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“Did I do something wrong?” -

It can be difficult when a loved one is suffering, and you want to avoid causing any further upset. However, try not to take it personally. Asking them for reassurance while they're struggling is also not productive.

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What to say instead -

Reassure them that you're there for them, even if they need space. Avoid adding extra pressure to dissect the root causes, especially when their symptoms are aggravated.

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"Just distract yourself with (a drink, a TV show, a videogame)" -

Outsourcing the task of dealing with anxiety to screens or addictive substances might seem like a quick fix, but engaging in numbing and potentially addictive behaviors can be harmful and worsen anxiety.

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What to say instead -

Isolation can worsen symptoms, so make yourself available for one-on-one time and propose activities that help them connect with the present, like going outdoors, visiting an art gallery, or listening to music together.

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Support them in seeking help -

If you think a friend or family member's anxiety is becoming a problem, encourage them to seek treatment by talking to a doctor or therapist. You can offer to help them schedule a doctor's appointment or research different support options.

Sources: (Anxiety & Depression Association of America) (The Guardian) (Johns Hopkins Hospital) (Psychology Today) (Business Insider) (HuffPost) (Mind.org.uk)

See also: What you can eat and drink to combat stress, anxiety, and depression

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