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Introducing weaponized incompetence -

If you use social media platforms, such as Instagram or TikTok, you may have noticed more and more people using the term "weaponized incompetence."

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Defining the term -

In general, this term is used to describe relationship situations in which one partner pretends to be bad at doing something just so the other person will step in and take over.

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Consequences -

In addition to being very annoying, using weaponized incompetence against your partner can cause a significant and harmful imbalance in your relationship.

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Reasons people weaponize incompetence -

There are several reasons that someone might weaponize incompetence. The first is simply to shirk responsibility.

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To avoid responsibility -

Unfortunately, there are people who want to avoid responsibilities such as childcare or household chores, and feigning incompetence can be an effective way to do that.

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To avoid feeling insecure -

Individuals may also weaponize incompetence in order to avoid doing tasks that cause them discomfort or insecurity.

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To avoid feeling insecure -

While someone may know how to change a diaper, for example, they may not be confident in doing so and therefore weaponize their incompetence to avoid the task.

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For attention -

Next up is attention-seeking. In certain cases, people may pretend to be incompetent at a given task just so their partner will show them some attention.

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For attention -

Indeed, people seeking attention may find that by appearing incapable, they are able to gain their partner’s sympathy or support.

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To maintain control -

Finally, in the case of an abusive relationship, one partner may exercise weaponized incompetence in order to maintain control over their partner.

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Examples - It is possible to feign incompetence with almost any task, and weaponized incompetence can therefore present itself in multiple ways.

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Examples -

Common examples include going to buy groceries and forgetting half the items on the list, or cooking dinner but leaving a giant mess in the kitchen for the other person to clean up.

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Consequences of this troubling behavior -

Over time, the effects of weaponized incompetence can be very damaging to a relationship. Firstly, it can create an imbalance of responsibilities where one person takes on the majority of the work.

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Feelings of resentment - In turn, this imbalance of responsibilities can lead to feelings of resentment within the relationship.

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Feelings of frustration -

These feelings of resentment may be quite confusing–someone who is the victim of weaponized incompetence may love their partner but also feel very frustrated at the lack of support.

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A breakdown of trust -

Weaponized incompetence can also lead to a breakdown of trust in a relationship. It can be difficult to trust your partner if you feel like you can’t rely on them in daily life.

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A breakdown of trust -

That's not to mention the trust breakdown that will occur if one partner realizes the other is feigning incompetence on purpose to mislead them.

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Increased conflict -

Couples who exercise weaponized incompetence may also experience an increase in conflict in the relationship, due to the unfair division of responsibilities.

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A breakdown in communication -

There may also be a significant communication breakdown, with one partner afraid to express their frustrations for fear that the other will again weaponize their incompetence as a defense mechanism.

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Emotional disconnection -

Finally, this behavior can cause gradual, or even sudden, emotional disconnection between partners, as one or both feels unsupported.

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How to deal with weaponized incompetence -

If you suspect that your partner is exercising weaponized incompetence, there are steps you can take to address it.

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Recognize the pattern -

The first step to take is to recognize the pattern. Pay attention to what your partner says and does, as well as your reaction.

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Open up the dialogue -

The next step is to try and have an open and honest discussion about your partner’s behavior and how it makes you feel.

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Listen actively -

Listen actively to your partner during this conversation and give them an opportunity to explain their perspective. It is important to try and understand the underlying reasons for their behavior, even if you don’t agree.

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Establish boundaries -

Next up is establishing clear boundaries and expectations. Discuss what you consider to be fair, and come to a clear arrangement about the division of responsibilities.

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Check in regularly -

Once you have a clear plan and you’ve put it into action, be sure to check in with each other regularly to see whether the desired progress has been made.

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Reassess the situation -

In the move towards a more equal balance of responsibilities, discuss what is working and what isn’t, and what can still be improved.

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Seek professional help -

If, after following these steps, you find that the problem persists, don’t be afraid to seek the help of a couple's therapist. A professional opinion can be very helpful when it comes to resolving this frustrating but all-too-common relationship problem.

Sources: (Verywell Mind)

See also: How to reconnect and revive your relationship

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