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Ever feel like you're speaking to a brick wall when talking to your partner? Exhausted of trying to make them tell you what is on their mind? If so, you may be struggling with hermeneutic labor.
First coined by philosopher Ellie Anderson, the term "hermeneutic labor" refers to the unequal burden of emotional labor that falls on one partner in a relationship. Over time, engaging in hermeneutic labor can breed feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and resentment. But there are strategies that couples can use to turn the tables!
Curious? Check out this gallery to find out more.
"Hermeneutic labor" is a term coined by philosopher Ellie Anderson. It refers to the unequal burden of emotional labor that one partner bears in a relationship.
A person doing hermeneutic labor may find themselves constantly immersed in the challenge of deciphering their partner’s ambiguous words and actions.
Coupled with the need to skillfully communicate their own complex wants and needs, this partner is often left with feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and even resentment.
The term hermeneutic labor is often used in a very gendered context; you may have heard people talking about all the women who bear this burden.
Unfortunately, our patriarchal culture is such that, for centuries, male power has been prioritized without emphasizing the need for emotional intelligence.
As such, women have been left to pick up the slack and have been socialized to engage in emotional labor in a way that men haven’t.
That said, people of all genders can find themselves doing hermeneutic labor. It is not about gender but rather about the constant mental effort required to navigate communication gaps.
Here is an example to illustrate hermeneutic labor. Imagine a couple spending time with each other at home after a long day at work.
One partner notices the other looks a bit glum, and asks them what's wrong. The other partner responds that nothing is wrong and continues watching TV.
The first partner is left wondering what could have happened to make the other upset. Did they say something wrong in the morning, or perhaps something happened at work?
At the same time as considering how this uncommunicative behavior is making them feel, the first partner will be looking for cues in the other partner’s body language as to what might be wrong.
Over time, this lopsided burden of emotional labor can breed strong feelings of resentment. It is therefore important to nip it in the bud.
If you are looking to correct the inequality of hermeneutic labor and cultivate a more balanced partnership, there are two main strategies to consider.
The first is redistributing emotional labor, and a great place to start is to share in decision-making. Indeed, shared decision-making and collaboration can foster important feelings of agency and influence.
Rather than relying on one partner to make all of the emotional decisions, such as resolving conflicts, both partners should participate and have equal input.
Another concrete step to take when redistributing emotional labor is to try and establish a situation of mutual support.
Rather than relying on one partner to always provide the comfort and emotional support, both partners should contribute to a mutual exchange.
It is very important in a balanced relationship that both partners feel comfortable to express vulnerabilities and seek comfort from one another.
The final concrete step in this strategy is to advocate for active engagement from both partners in emotional discussions.
Rather than having one partner who takes the lead while the other remains passive, both parties should engage actively in exploring their emotions, addressing problems, and working towards a solution.
This approach will help validate both partners' emotions and cultivate a deeper understanding of each other’s emotional experiences.
The second strategy for reducing the burden of hermeneutic labor is to practice perspective-taking. According to one study, this is an important mechanism that allows emotional repair to influence relationship outcomes.
Instead of quickly jumping to conclusions about what your partner is thinking or feeling, take some time to consider things from their perspective.
There are three main ways to start this transformative process. The first is to practice active listening, i.e. giving your partner undivided attention, free from interruptions.
This practice allows you to properly hear and comprehend what your partner is saying, as you focus on their words, tone, and non-verbal cues.
The next important point to remember is to suspend your judgment. You won’t make any progress in this journey if you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
Instead of reacting immediately to what your partner is saying based on your own preconceptions, try to approach the conversation with a completely open mind.
Finally, it is important that you make a conscious and concerted effort to understand the motivations behind your partner’s behavior.
For example, you may ask clarifying questions that would demonstrate your curiosity and readiness to empathize with your partner’s experiences.
Hermeneutic labor is a tricky situation to navigate, but it is possible to overcome with the right strategy and amount of effort from both parties.
Sources: (Forbes) (Verywell Mind)
See also: How to handle every argument, according to your partner's star sign
How hermeneutic labor impacts relationships
The burden of emotional labor
LIFESTYLE Couples
Ever feel like you're speaking to a brick wall when talking to your partner? Exhausted of trying to make them tell you what is on their mind? If so, you may be struggling with hermeneutic labor.
First coined by philosopher Ellie Anderson, the term "hermeneutic labor" refers to the unequal burden of emotional labor that falls on one partner in a relationship. Over time, engaging in hermeneutic labor can breed feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and resentment. But there are strategies that couples can use to turn the tables!
Curious? Check out this gallery to find out more.