Chuck Norris is an American actor, martial artist, and internet legend. His unbeatable toughness has been immortalized by a series of jokes and memes that never fail to get a laugh. If someone tells a Chuck Norris joke in the woods and he's not around to hear it, will that person still die at his hands? Of course. Chuck Norris hears everything.
In celebration of his long career and superhuman fighting skills, here is a list of the top 40 Chuck Norris jokes that will give you a roundhouse kick to the stomach.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
If, by some paradox in the space/time continuum, Chuck Norris were ever to fight himself, he'd win.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage—it's called Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
Dinosaurs once crossed Chuck Norris. Once.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with is teeth, and boils his water with his rage.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can never fill out an online form, because he will never submit.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And won.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. It's not dead, it's just afraid to move.
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. He has never cried.
Chuck Norris sweats justice.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.
Chuck Norris's email: gmail@chucknorris.com
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
See also: Chuck Norris isn't dead...or is he?